Serenity

This is going to sound very corny... but I feel at peace with myself, the earth, and everyone I know. I'm not letting my insecurities stop me from doing anything I want to do anymore. I am not going to be intimidated by people anymore. It may not be possible for me to be friends with everyone in the world.. but it is very possible for me to be friendly with everyone I meet- that's what I plan on doing- no more being a bitch to my friends, my parents, my siblings, or being mean to myself. I don't want my life to waste away. I don't want to die leaving nothing behind to be remembered by. If I'm not going to be famous, I would at least like to be well liked- maybe even loved.

Yep, I sound like a serious hippy. Oh well, there really isn't anything WRONG with that, is there?

Laugh Attack

MWAHAHAH I had a great laugh attack today in A Capella during "Breakfast At Tiffany's"
seriously, I had to go in a practice room. I was about to pee my pants. Miss Givoni said I was smiling creepily at her, and then I just couldn't stop laughing. and Cloud was being creepy too, apparently (Marlee pointed out).


AWW WHAT A CREEPY DUO WE WOULD BE<3 hahaha

speaking of duos... my phone is a slut. It wont let me send or receive text messages, and when someone is calling me it won't let me pick up. Also, it will not let me delete texts or voicemails... wtf I'm going to go ask my dad to bring me to an at&t store after the-rapee time.

BYE YA'LL

Btw, my picture is of when me, Joe, and Cooper were in the little gym at the elementary school when we were putting on a murder mystery dinner play for girl scouts. it was pretty intense. I miss those days...

Time of Death: 10:21, 3/27/09<3

She had a variety of names: Hunter, Honeybuns, Buseii, Aids Kitty, etc... but no matter what we called her at the time, she was our beloved ginger tabby cat. She had a stroke a couple months ago, and again last night and died. I was staring into her eyes, she coughed three times, and then went lifeless and limp. I know people won't understand why the death of a mere cat would affect me so much, but I don't know if I will ever be the same. I've never seen the life leave something's eyes before- one second, she was Buseii, the next, a lifeless corpse.

R.I.P my dear, you will be in my heart and that of my family forever. I will always miss the way you used to drool on me and poop right next to the litter box. Goodbye, I hope I see you again one day; If and when that day comes, you can drool on me as much as you want.

Angst

Ungst Underpants ftw.

Ok so, lately I've been feeling like I'm loosing my friends, or at least that most of them don't want to spend time with me. This makes me sad, and even more awkward around them making them dislike me more. Dr. Nicholson would call this "mind reading" which depressed people should avoid doing, but I think I do a damn good job at legit mind reading. I really think I know what people are thinking most of the time, not just based on my own self consciousness.

I also really want a man. I have a specific one in mind, and I don't know if I should tell him i like him when I doubt he feels the same way. Every now and then I catch him looking at me, but it could just be because he is an observant person and I am quite interesting to outsiders.

WTF and I'm angry because no one noticed that i dyed my hair last night. Or maybe they did notice and just didn't like it... hmm ponder

I have to go clean a litter box now, Au Revoir!

Realizing the love a parent has for their child..

My maine coon kitten, Mr Puppy (aka Mansuela) keeps wanting to go outside and explore. It makes me really sad, because I want him to be happy and he hates it indoors, but on the other hand, I don't want anything to happen to him. I wonder if this is how my parents feel about me going away this summer, or about me going to college in a little over a year; they're afraid to let go, but it's not because they want to hold me back, they just don't want me to get hurt. This is probably the same mentality parents have about dating- they don't want their child to fall in love and get their hearts broken. .... I learned all this from an obese kitten named Mansuela.. wow

"she's funny"... fucking crap

I'm usually the happiest person ever, but at this moment I am quite angry with myself and sad. There is a guy I like (OMG A TEEN GIRL WITH A CRUSH OMG!!!) and I never talk to him. It's one of those crushes where you admire from afar, learn alot about (thank you face-stalk) but are too fucking afraid to talk to. Well anyways, I had some of the most perfect chances to talk to him today and guess what, I DIDN'T!!!! I'm so angry, I was confidant and I looked pretty hot; it would have been the perfect day.. But I gave up that chance. And now, I just got back from the senior show, and I feel like I have no friends (except madeline). Laura, i feel like you just think I'm some lame kid and you're only still friends with me because we have been friends for so long. Matt seemed bored of me the moment he saw me. Grace seemed distant. Caroline seemed like she was too cool for me. Cooper hasn't talked to me in two months. I don't think Matt Berry cared that I thought he was the star of the show. Patrick seemed bored with me all day. I hate feeling like this. And now I'm even more angry with myself for posting this on blogspot, but I figure no one is going to read it anyways so what the hell- I would rather type than write this in my therapy journal; and I need to get it out. I want to be funny, pretty, smart, witty, irresistable, and magical- none of those qualities I posess. Most of all, I want to be brave, but how can I be when I can't muster up the courage to SPEAK with someone I really like.

I hate whining, but getting this out is good for me. I really feel like I'm dying a little bit on the inside each time I look at myself in the mirror, hear myself laugh or speak, each time I wake up.

Rite Aid

I just had a job interview!!!! WOOO I really hope I get it I need a job I need money I want to be independant I am such a nerd I I I Me Me Me

my cat is eating dog food, how strange

FUCK

I'm so fucking socially awkward. I wish I knew what to say at the right time so I don't come off as incompetent. But, alas, I always seem like this fat ass, shy, awkward teen. That is not who I am at all, I seriously am the coolest person I know- just not around people I actually respect.

For instance, today I was walking in the hallway with someone and we were just having small talk... I HATE SMALL TALK. What are we supposed to talk about, AIDs? Kittens? Where we are walking to? I don't really give a shit where that person is walking to.

To be honest, I am perfectly fine with just walking next to someone in silence... the awkwardness comes from them feeling the need to say something and me not being able to respond.

I wish everyone would just shut the fuck up unless I want them to talk to me.

I'm not even in a bad mood, this is just me ranting

Lord of the Rings

Lord of the Rings the Musical is the most amazing sensation I wish to experience and never will. It is no longer playing in either Toronto or London, though it is going to Germany and eventually New Zealand. Lately, I have been going through a huge LOTR phase which consists of me reading the books, playing the online game, listening to the soundtracks and musical, and trying to teach myself elvish. When I found out that I would no longer be able to see the Musical this summer when/if I go to london, I was really sad. I have been seeing a therapist for about a year and 2 months now and am finally, after all this time, putting my newfound skills into practice. Instead of getting upset about not seeing LOTR the musical, I decided that by the time it does come to the United States (Broadway) I will be out of college persueing my theater career and may even star in it as a Hobbit or an Elf. That is my new dream, and if they do not plan on bringing it to the United States, I will bring it here and Produce it myself.
I am going to go shower and eat Tacos now.. BYE!!! I bet only Laura and Madeline are ever going to read this HEY GURLS

Busy Day

OMG I AM SO POPULAR EVERYONE WANTS TO READ MY BLOG ABOUT HOW I SCRUBBED THE WALLS IN MY HOUSE TODAY FOR 5 HOURS STRAIGHT AND THEN WENT TO A BENJAMIN MOORE STORE AND THE GUY WHO WORKED THERE WHO WAS MARRIED WAS FLIRTING WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO ME!